Going Back to the Scene & Coping with New Fears

It happened at one of my favourite places. I quickly decided that I wasn’t going to hate that place because it happened there. I realized there was more positive and fun times to be had at that place.

When I first stepped back in the kitchen I don’t know what I expected. Violent flashbacks? Explosions? Screaming? Mayhem? But it was silence. Just silence. Emptiness between my ears. It was odd. It was as if I had hoped for something crazy to happen again. I walked through the dining room, living room, through to the bathroom where they carried me to that night. I looked around. Nothing had changed. It all looked the same. Yet it was so different. 

Throughout the years I’ve made little adjustments to things to make myself feel more comfortable in situations. I put large pots on the back burner on a stove top. The handles are certainly facing inward. I stay back when there is an extra large pot. I hold my breath when I carry a pot to the sink to drain pasta. These don’t hinder my activities. I feel they protect me. I am more cautious, without hindering my abilities and experience. Fire doesn’t really bother me, although if I was burned by fire, I would probably have similar rituals around that. When I am making tea I put the tea cup further back. And then I am clumsy while I ladle soup and get it all over my hand. I don’t live in fear, I live in a peaceful environment for me. If a large pot full to the brim decides to be at the front burner so be it. I stay far enough away and make sure my dog doesn’t go near the oven. 

I’ve been burned since. Little burns on my hands mainly, because I enjoy cooking a lot. It took time though. I pay more attention, I am more aware. When I worked in a kitchen, I made sure everyone knew so that they would understand if I refused anything, and they were more than accommodating. At first I was terrified of the fryer, later I volunteered to be on the fryer for events.

Make recovery your own. Make those little adjustments for yourself, so that you can enjoy life. The same accident most likely won’t happen again, but I definitely still try to avoid walking backwards. As your mind and body work through the trauma, you will learn marvellous things about yourself. Be honest with yourself and those around you. People will understand. Forgive yourself for having fears others might not. It is more than okay, you’ve been through a lot.